It’s quite difficult trying to compose my thoughts after my brief leave of absence from this sphere.
Where exactly to start?
Well, I have to come realise that the reality of my desires aren’t so desirable. I laughed. My younger self would look on in amazement and joy at the thought of what was to come.
I am now employed, working full-time in a rather affluent part of town, and soon will be moving to a beautiful borough to live with two close girl friends, basically living the what many (myself included, until recently) would title as ‘the dream’.
I was naive, and still am, but I know now that my desires, once lived, will always fall short of what I imagined them to be, and it’s at this point that they become a reality.
Yes, the human mind can be a complex thing, but also very simplistic. Here I am able to fabricate an idealistic world with a great job, great social life, and living independently, free from the constraints of home. My Utopia, and I’m in control, but it’s only a utopia because I omit all that displeases me, and fill it with my wants. This is not real life.
I believe that God often allows us to have what we want in order to show us that they weren’t what we needed, nor ever wanted.
The truth is that life still continues to be fraught with problems, new and old. One would assume that I’d be elated at the prospect of moving out, but instead I’m actually sad, and having second thoughts (due to a number of reasons which I may go into in later posts). Typical. And living out of home will put a lot of pressure on my finances, and i’m now considering leaving my job sooner than I’d plan.
To be honest, part of me doesn’t even enjoy working in such an affluent area, it’s far from the reality of where I grew up, and makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable, especially in light of all that’s going on in the world, and the scale deprivation experienced by many.
As easy as it is to sit here and ‘woe is me’ all evening, I must remember the importance of thankfulness. There is a reason why we are where we are, and why we will be where we will be. We must look at our lot as God would. If anything, my situation has shown me my deep need for God now, and always.
I’m really not in control, and won’t ever be, and I know that’s for the best, or we’d all be in a lot of trouble.