Where to begin

It’s quite difficult trying to compose my thoughts after my brief leave of absence from this sphere.

Where exactly to start?

Well, I have to come realise that the reality of my desires aren’t so desirable. I laughed. My younger self would look on in amazement and joy at the thought of what was to come.

I am now employed, working full-time in a rather affluent part of town, and soon will be moving to a beautiful borough to live with two close girl friends, basically living the what many (myself included, until recently) would title as ‘the dream’.

I was naive, and still am, but I know now that my desires, once lived, will always fall short of what I imagined them to be, and it’s at this point that they become a reality.

Yes, the human mind can be a complex thing, but also very simplistic. Here I am able to fabricate an idealistic world with a great job, great social life, and living independently, free from the constraints of home. My Utopia, and I’m in control, but it’s only a utopia because I omit all that displeases me, and fill it with my wants. This is not real life.

I believe that God often allows us to have what we want in order to show us that they weren’t what we needed, nor ever wanted.

The truth is that life still continues to be fraught with problems, new and old. One would assume that I’d be elated at the prospect of moving out, but instead I’m actually sad, and having second thoughts (due to a number of reasons which I may go into in later posts). Typical. And living out of home will put a lot of pressure on my finances, and i’m now considering leaving my job sooner than I’d plan.

To be honest, part of me doesn’t even enjoy working in such an affluent area, it’s far from the reality of where I grew up, and makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable, especially in light of all that’s going on in the world, and the scale deprivation experienced by many.

As easy as it is to sit here and ‘woe is me’ all evening, I must remember the importance of thankfulness. There is a reason why we are where we are, and why we will be where we will be. We must look at our lot as God would. If anything, my situation has shown me my deep need for God now, and always.

I’m really not in control, and won’t ever be, and I know that’s for the best, or we’d all be in a lot of trouble.

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To keep on

Unemployed, unfulfilled, and underwhelmed.

I have come to face what seems like a towering brick wall.

I remembering fearing that this moment would come, I would finish my degree and be met with the harsh reality of life as an unemployed graduate.

At a time when I should be relaxed, and enjoying life without much responsibility, I find myself tense, exhausted and frustrated. Maybe more so now than I was during my degree.

Unfortunately my mind now has time to ponder on useless and trivial matters.

I am left feeling despondent in the face of what seems to be a murky future.

The other day I was walking besides the Thames, and my mind felt as if it was going to implode. Release, my thoughts and emotions wanted release, but I could not.

Why is it so difficult to deposit of this mental angst, my desire is to let it all go, but it is so difficult.

Life continues to be fraught with old habits, habits that truly do die hard, so much so that it often forces me to question if they truly die at all.

Despite all of this, I am reminded of the goodness of God. I have witnessed it, in small yet profound ways. I have been shown love, and encouraged to keep going.

The truth is as descendants of Adam and Eve, (post fall) we were never promised an easy life, so should I be surprised when trials come? No.

But as a child of God, we are loved by a gracious and merciful God who sees and shares in our suffering. Yes I will continue to suffer, but God is the strength that will make me to endure. Let’s remember that.

To be loved

No one told us it would be this difficult. I am often taken aback by how feelings can be this deep, and run so wild.

It is done, I tell myself, yet it does not seem like it is over.

‘Unfortunately I don’t feel the same way’, your words.

‘Unfortunately’

Unfortunate, having or marked by bad fortune.

I took time to reflect on what had been written, and told you that it was not unfortunate, I had expected this to be your response.

Yet my feelings sometimes shriek in pain. What a great misfortune, to desire, and be undesired.

The days move rapidly, but I am somewhat still there.

Still, waiting, agonising, and wanting. Wanting you, wanting life before you, wanting to be loved, wanting God, wanting for this to be over,

Lord when will it be over?

Down on my knees you lifted me up, you took me, you have me, you love me, but he does not.

Let your love overshadow his own Lord. Nothing will compare. To be loved by you, forever,

 

Genesis Studies: Day 1

‘In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the spirit of God was hovering over the water.’

And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. God saw the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night”. And there was evening, and there was morning, the first day.

Genesis 1:1-5

Everyday we are reminded of God, his grace, and power. Living on this earth, light signifying day, and darkness, night.

Currently I am in the midst of darkness, only heightened by the feelings of euphoria surrounding the New Year. “Happy New Year!”, a phrase that unfortunately angers me, and then leads to more anger, because I am angry at myself for feeling anger in the first place. I know it’s resentment, but I still wonder whether these people are genuinely happy. Part of me realises that it is only another day, but cannot escape the magnitude of the New Year, felt by those around me.

It’s a year of new beginnings, a chance to start afresh, but alas, we have to realise that we have the opportunity to start again at any given moment, although extremely difficult, it is not impossible.

Here in Genesis we read of God forming the heavens and the earth, and quite simply at that, showing how powerful, and able he is, but presently, it does not seem as if this God is working in my life. Truthfully, I would like the feelings of hurt, regret, sadness and anger to depart from me, so that I can serve and come to God with a joyful heart, but it seems as if I have been left. I hate to wallow in self-pity, and resentment, but here I am wallowing.

This year has not started well, and is far from happy, but I am of the belief that it won’t end here. No, I am not starting as I mean to go on, as I do not intend to go on like this, but rather make you aware that it is okay to experience the harsh realities of life on such a day as this.

But please be reminded that God’s word holds true, and we are living in the goodness of his creation, look and see the light, for it is good, take a moment to settle in the truth that God is good, we are not victims, and he has not left. Don’t base your faith solely on feelings and emotions, often turbulent and unrelenting, but rather on the truth of Gods word.

I encourage you to cast your burdens onto God in prayer, and continue to walk the long hard walk, with God. For he makes us able to go on.

Absence

In the absence of words you spoke to me, I came to view this point in my life as excruciating. I told myself that I did not have a broken heart, you have not broken me. I drift from thankfulness to resentment, appreciation to hate, sorrow to laughter, life to what often feels like death. I know that God you have made me alive, but I don’t feel alive. I often ask whether or not you received my message, and conjure up all the possibilities of why I am still yet to hear from you, I threw a lot out, and somewhat went back on my word, I don’t want to wait any longer, instead I want to live, not for myself but Christ, but Christ it is hard. God rescue us from ourselves.

Soften my heart

Soften my heart God. It has been hard for far too long. It’s difficult to come to your word, I am looking at words, but not reading. I fear that I have come to resent you, I pray to you that you will change this heart of mine to long for you, and you alone. The end is near, and I am desperate. I’m holding on out of fear of losing it all, but all is lost and worthless compared to you.

Soften our hearts please God.

6 Months, maybe longer

The past six months have been interesting, it’s amazing how much you learn about yourself when living with other people who aren’t your immediate family, but begin to feel like family. I look back and see how much God has sustained me, how undeserving I am, how weak I have been, and how great he is. It’s difficult to write at this present moment in time, I’m wanting to tell of all that’s happened, but feel unable. This is not because it’s monumental, not at all, but I’m still trying to make sense of my life up to this point, process it all, so much is going on. I feel as if I am wandering and not still. I have a sense of duty towards myself to address each problem one by one, but alas I am not able in my own feeble human strength, but God can. I am wanting, but not wholly able.

I live in hope that these pieces will be put together, I know it all makes sense, but I’m yet to reach an understanding.

Blessed be your name Lord, Thank you so much.