I plan to start a series of short informal / somewhat formal theological posts that are loosely based around the ending of a relationship.
I find myself in quite a difficult season, quite confused but desiring to not recover in vain, instead hoping that the process would help those of you in a similar position to move on steadily and well.
So at the age of 24 I am out of my first dating relationship. It was brief, but enjoyable. I was of the belief that it could have continued for far longer but ultimately he did not feel the same way.
I am still in disbelief that it even happened in the first place. I was convinced that my desires would never be reciprocated and I would battle with singleness for the entirety of my life, so when Tom took an interest in me I was taken a back a little, if not sceptical.
I have idolised the idea of a relationship for most of my life. It simultaneously intrigued, scared and excited me. I know this is cliche but growing up I saw the films, tv shows, and real life relationships that screamed and reeked of euphoria. It’s infectious. You feel the feels and gradually begin to want what it is that you see.
I was of the belief that I would have ultimate satisfaction and a purpose for living if I got into a relationship.
Imagine the constant affirmation. I mean, just the fact that you are in a relationship affirms you (not true). I wanted to be sought after, thought about, deeply desired, LOVED unconditionally.
So fast forward to year 2020 and I am still looking to a relationship to fulfil my innermost desires, and lusting after any guy that I find attractive. I was and still am a sinner in deep deep need of Christ, but sought saving in other things. It’s only by his grace that I am not fully aware of how sinful and fallen I am.
So I was in relationship, what was once a deep desire was now a living reality. It was frightening for multiple reasons. Mainly because I was aware of my unresolved issues, and hugely idolatrous view of a relationship. It was difficult as I spent the majority of it conflicted by a number of things. I wanted so desperately to do it right and make it work, for myself of course. But no one will get it completely right because we are all sinners.
I was driven by deep longings and fears all at once.
It felt great and was an enjoyable few months. We got on very well, he made me feel at ease, and I could talk to him everyday about anything. I was certainly happier, but knew that deep down I was finding my contentment in something that ultimately would not satisfy me. To be honest all the euphoria felt was constantly overshadowed by the harsh reality that this would someday end. And it did, much sooner than expected, but it did.
No amount of expectation can prepare you for the ending of a relationship. And you can certainly never prepare for the aftermath.
The actually feeling of rejection is quite unique. As hard as I try to avoid, suppress or forget it, I can’t. It’s as if an invisible weight gradually descends over your body, and for a brief moment your organs do not function properly, making it hard to breathe.
It was a momentary surge but I quickly realised that I had to maintain some external posture but internally I was in huge disbelief. In that moment I had no words of my own and simply regurgitated his in attempt to appear as if I was completely fine and in full agreement with his decision to end things. I think this was my way of trying to end things well as I would have rather it be a mutual split than one-sided, but sadly this is not often case, it wasn’t the case.
It was like a performance that abruptly ended but efforts were made to lessen and even normalise the harshness of the ending, but ultimately it could not be salvaged, you just had to accept it as an unfortunate occurrence and move on.
I was terrified of what was to come. Once again I found myself conflicted, wanting to literally leave him quickly but also not wanting him to leave. I did not want to be alone but sort of had to be in order to process and make sense of what the heck had just happened.
WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT LITERALLY JUST HAPPENED?
Its amazing how one decision has the ability to flip all things that happened prior to it on its head. What was all that about?! Was any of it genuine?
I was disoriented.
Have decided to break this here but will be writing more soon.
Thank you for reading!