One end, but not the ultimate end

I plan to start a series of short informal / somewhat formal theological posts that are loosely based around the ending of a relationship.

I find myself in quite a difficult season, quite confused but desiring to not recover in vain, instead hoping that the process would help those of you in a similar position to move on steadily and well.

So at the age of 24 I am out of my first dating relationship. It was brief, but enjoyable. I was of the belief that it could have continued for far longer but ultimately he did not feel the same way.

I am still in disbelief that it even happened in the first place. I was convinced that my desires would never be reciprocated and I would battle with singleness for the entirety of my life, so when Tom took an interest in me I was taken a back a little, if not sceptical.

I have idolised the idea of a relationship for most of my life. It simultaneously intrigued, scared and excited me. I know this is cliche but growing up I saw the films, tv shows, and real life relationships that screamed and reeked of euphoria. It’s infectious. You feel the feels and gradually begin to want what it is that you see.

I was of the belief that I would have ultimate satisfaction and a purpose for living if I got into a relationship.

Imagine the constant affirmation. I mean, just the fact that you are in a relationship affirms you (not true). I wanted to be sought after, thought about, deeply desired, LOVED unconditionally.

So fast forward to year 2020 and I am still looking to a relationship to fulfil my innermost desires, and lusting after any guy that I find attractive. I was and still am a sinner in deep deep need of Christ, but sought saving in other things. It’s only by his grace that I am not fully aware of how sinful and fallen I am.

So I was in relationship, what was once a deep desire was now a living reality. It was frightening for multiple reasons. Mainly because I was aware of my unresolved issues, and hugely idolatrous view of a relationship. It was difficult as I spent the majority of it conflicted by a number of things. I wanted so desperately to do it right and make it work, for myself of course. But no one will get it completely right because we are all sinners.

I was driven by deep longings and fears all at once.

It felt great and was an enjoyable few months. We got on very well, he made me feel at ease, and I could talk to him everyday about anything. I was certainly happier, but knew that deep down I was finding my contentment in something that ultimately would not satisfy me. To be honest all the euphoria felt was constantly overshadowed by the harsh reality that this would someday end. And it did, much sooner than expected, but it did.

No amount of expectation can prepare you for the ending of a relationship. And you can certainly never prepare for the aftermath.

The actually feeling of rejection is quite unique. As hard as I try to avoid, suppress or forget it, I can’t. It’s as if an invisible weight gradually descends over your body, and for a brief moment your organs do not function properly, making it hard to breathe.

It was a momentary surge but I quickly realised that I had to maintain some external posture but internally I was in huge disbelief. In that moment I had no words of my own and simply regurgitated his in attempt to appear as if I was completely fine and in full agreement with his decision to end things. I think this was my way of trying to end things well as I would have rather it be a mutual split than one-sided, but sadly this is not often case, it wasn’t the case.

It was like a performance that abruptly ended but efforts were made to lessen and even normalise the harshness of the ending, but ultimately it could not be salvaged, you just had to accept it as an unfortunate occurrence and move on.

I was terrified of what was to come. Once again I found myself conflicted, wanting to literally leave him quickly but also not wanting him to leave. I did not want to be alone but sort of had to be in order to process and make sense of what the heck had just happened.

WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT LITERALLY JUST HAPPENED?

Its amazing how one decision has the ability to flip all things that happened prior to it on its head. What was all that about?! Was any of it genuine?

I was disoriented.

…

Have decided to break this here but will be writing more soon.

Thank you for reading!

The difficulty in letting go

*names have been changed.

A few months ago I had written a blog post about a close friend of mine entering into a relationship. The post is still in my drafts as it was an outpouring of bitter emotions that I felt and still feel too ashamed to post.

I am unsure as to whether this will make it, but I feel it necessary to get this out of my system in hopes that it will help me process and make sense of my thoughts and feelings at present. I feel silly writing this and feeling this way, but I am human, and these things (sadly) happen.

I have come to largely resent Lara’s relationship with Tim. Maybe because Tim is  40 and Lara 25, or the fast pace at which the relationship is going which makes me question whether they have stopped to actually ask themselves why it is they are together.

Being in a pandemic has helped their relationship in that it has given them a considerable amount of time to spend together, talk and get to know one another. I mean not a day goes by when they do not talk, every weekend is now spent with Tim, and any plans will most definitely have Tim in mind. Tim is not just in her life, but in mine too (not to the same degree, but he is here).

And here I am to bear witness to all of this. Sadly I am still bitter and jealous about it for a number of reasons. I don’t want to care / be bothered as much as I do, but I do. It’s difficult not to in the midst of a pandemic where you’re not working or socialising to the same degree and you have far more headspace to give to such trivial matters and ponder on all the reasons why your close friend should not be in a relationship with a 40yr old man.

I don’t want this post to be infused with loathe but I have to be honest, and I will aim to look at this from more than one angle. I am wrestling with this, and I am somewhat determined to move past these feelings, but it will take some hard work.

Its been 4 months, and I am certain that they are seriously considering marriage. Lara has spent the weekend with Tims sister and their family, and next weekend they will be spending the weekend at Lara’s parents. It’s surprising to think that 4 months ago, Lara found the prospect of even dating Tim weird and was hugely bothered by the age gap, but now they are inseparable.

I remember our initial conversations, me attempting to reassure Lara that yes there is an age gap, people will find it weird, but she will move past it, and learn not to care. I was reassuring her, now I need reassurance, and we need to talk.

Suppressed thoughts and feelings have caused a rift in our relationship, and I feel the closer they get, the further I move away. It’s the silence now, the things I have chosen not to say, and we don’t talk like we used to. It’s just sad to see how consumed she is by him, and yes I get it, its the ‘honeymoon’ phase, she’s infatuated with him, but it makes it so difficult to know what to say to her anymore.

My desire is that they are both in it with a level head, and are not simply led by their desires alone. It is all moving rapidly, and I can’t help but be worried that they are rushing into a rather big commitment.

I am seeing a side of Lara that I didn’t know existed, and wonder where my friend is. Did I every truly know her?

The truth is, there is a lot of what I’M FEELING, and how I SEE this. I do not, and will never understand it from where they are. It is important that I seek to better understand, am slow to speak and quick to listen. I care this much because she is probably my closest friend, and it hurts to have the relationship drastically changed because of a man. It hurts to think that she (sort of) now prioritises someone else over me. We often joke about how we may as well marry each other if things don’t work out, and I think deep down I thought that we would always be riding out life side by side, as close friends, and sisters (in Christ), two single independent / dependent females. But we are not the writers of our stories.

I recognise that I am being selfish, and to a degree, have to let Lara go. There’s a lot of loving and praying to be done. I see now that I too have become consumed by this relationship, and it is in no way glorifying Christ. I have not sought the Lord as much as I should, and have little to no peace. I am deep in all sorts of emotions that will only make me a bad friend and a terrible sister in Christ.

I could go on, but I want to make this fairly brief.

My advice to my myself and others that find themselves in a similar situation is to pray first and often, love readily, even when it is hard, be honest to all, including yourself, and  do not wallow.

 

 

 

An unusualness of Circumstance

I didn’t think it possible that we would both find ourselves the object of someone’s affection at the same time.

We’d shared our woes in the past, and laughed things off; dismissing them as somewhat ridiculous but God knew the deep longing in our hearts.

Our desires were not met, and we felt somewhat empty. We knew it was God that made us whole, yet we still felt empty and unfulfilled. A lie.

Now here you are, in a relationship. In a time like this. Here too am I, the object of someone’s affection.

We now have what we wanted, yet I can’t help but feel saddened and jealous that in the process I have lost the friendship and closeness that we once had.

You seem somewhat attached to him, to your phone, and it worries me to see you give so much of yourself and time to him, him who has only been here for a short time.

But I see this in myself also. You become lost and deep in your feelings. You desire so much, and sometimes feel as if you lose yourself in the longing.

Do you know what you are doing? Do I?

Yes this is what we wanted, but not what we needed.

Of course, all relationships are a risk, but I want you to KNOW this is a risk.

I thought I knew and understood you, but he has shown me that I did not entirely.

He is now a part of your future plans. A fixed entity in the midst of so much uncertainty, and I can’t help but think that you too have married him in your mind.

I just want you to be in this with your eyes wide open. Yes enjoy it, enjoy him, but please do not be blinded by all the good.

Yes I am jealous. Jealous for what I have lost. I don’t want him to cause you pain, but I know he will. I know I too will be hurt, all relationships will eventually come to disappoint because only God can truly satisfy.

All of this now. At a time like this.

God we need you.

Psalm 33, A Posture of Praise (pt3)

“Let all the earth fear the Lord; let all the people of the world revere him.”
(‭‭Psalms‬ ‭33:8‬)

Yesterday I had briefly addressed and shared some thoughts on Psalm 33:6-9, but largely dismissed verse 8. 

This was / is because I do not fully know what it means to ‘fear the Lord’. Although here in verse 8 we read that to fear the lord seems to equate in part to reverence (deep respect or admiration). 

The bible is littered with verses / chapters that address the fear of the Lord, and below are a few examples;

‘The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction’ (Proverbs 1:7)

‘Fear the Lord, you his holy people, for those who fear him lack nothing’ (Proverbs 34:9)

‘Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore fear God’ (Ecclesiastes 5:7)

‘The Lord confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them’ (Psalm 25:14)

‘You who fear him, trust in the Lord – He is their help and shield’ (Psalm 115:11)

‘Anyone who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty’ (Job 21:9)

We are instructed to fear the Lord and are told of how God has the ability to deliver us from fear of all other things.

‘So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand’ (Isaiah 41:10)

‘I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears’

‘When I am afraid, I put my trust in you’ (Psalm 56:3)

‘There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear. Because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love’ (1 John 4:8)

Of course, we will fear many things. I have an unhealthy tendency to fear people (commonly known as ‘fear of man’), not all people, but most. It is the kind of fear that prevents me from speaking truth, sharing my opinion, offering to help etc etc. 

Suddenly someone’s opinions of me and my opinions and consequences of things done become greater than God. It’s debilitating, and happens often. 

But if / as we seek to fear God first we are able to rationalise our fear of other things as we begin to see them from a different perspective. Creator and creation, we are subordinate to God, those people and things that we fear exist subordinate to God.

Our fear of God is different. It is not fear as we commonly know it.

In a podcast titled ‘How to Have a Healthy Fear of God’ Erik Thoennes remarks that, “true fear of the Lord realizes you can’t run from God, and the only option is to run to him. When you do, you find the embracing arms of a loving Father.”

It is a fear that recognizes the holiness of the Lord, seeing him for who he truly is. A fear that leads to trust, knowledge, wisdom, love and a right application of these things. 

Jeremy Treat (within the same podcast) later adds “the fear of God, this reverent awe, this respect comes within a context where he said, “I’ve bound myself to you in love,” and so that’s where it’s that reverence for a father who we know is for us and with us that really shapes the way we live our lives practically in so many ways.”

To fear the Lord is a form of praise. 

This is a brief insight into fear of the Lord (this may not be entirely accurate so I welcome further insight into this), and I would recommend praying and seeking to know, live and understand more of the fear of the Lord.

The ‘How to Have a Healthy fear of God’ podcast mentioned can be found here: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/podcasts/tgc-podcast/healthy-fear-god/

 

Psalm 33, A Posture of Praise (pt 2)

“By the word of the Lord the heavens were made, their starry host by the breath of his mouth. He gathers the waters of the sea into jars; he puts the deep into storehouses. Let all the earth fear the Lord; let all the people of the world revere him. For he spoke, and it came to be; he commanded, and it stood firm.”
(‭‭Psalms‬ ‭33:6-9)‬ ‭

‘In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth’ (Genesis 1:1)

‘And God said, “Let there be light”, and there was light’ (Genesis 1:3)

‘And God said, “Let there be a vault between the waters to separate water from water”. So God made the vault and separated the water under the vault from the water above it. And it was so.’ (Genesis 1:6-7)

‘And God said, “Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear.” And it was so.’ (Genesis 1:9)

‘And God said, “Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it according to their various kinds.” And it was so. (Genesis 1:11)

‘And God said “Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years, and let them be lights in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth.” And it was so’ (Genesis 1:14-15)

‘And God said, “Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky”. So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living thing with which the water teems and that moves about in it, according to their kinds, and every winged winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good.’ (Genesis 1:20-21)

‘And God said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: the livestock, the creatures that move along the ground, and the wild animals, each according to its kind.” And it was so.’ (Genesis 1:24)

‘And God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”‘ (Genesis 1:26)

‘God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning – the sixth day.’ (Genesis 1:31)

The world was created by his word and displays his sovereignty. It is inescapable. We are living in a world created ‘by the word of the Lord’, sadly not in the same state as it is once was, but Gods creation nonetheless.

We see his glory displayed all throughout the earth, glory that we interact with on a daily basis. Christopher Morgan in his book The Glory of God writes, ‘God’s glory is the magnificence, worth, loveliness, and grandeur of his many perfections. God communicates his glory through his creation, image-bearers, providence, and redemptive acts.’

God is greater than all that we see, and experience. Greater than the all of the waters of the sea, greater than this earth and all of its inhabitants.

To think that God can gather all the waters of the sea (better still, all the Earth’s water), this is about 97 percent of the Earth’s water, estimated as 321,003,271 cubic miles (enough water to fill about 352,670,000,000,000,000,000 gallon-sized milk containers) is difficult to comprehend, but our human minds cannot comprehend God, because God is not like us.

Yet he gets us, better still, he loves us. The earth is full of the loving kindness of the Lord (Ps 1:5).

Let us praise the Lord.

Psalm 33, A Posture of Praise (pt 1)

“Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous; it is fitting for the upright to praise him. Praise the Lord with the harp; make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre. Sing to him a new song; play skillfully, and shout for joy. For the word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭33:1-22‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Often I wake up and my natural desire is not ‘sing joyfully to the Lord’ but to fall straight into sin. The flesh is inclined to serve itself, and do whatever it desires to keep oneself content.

To sing joyfully and praise God is not what I want to do. It is a sad truth, but nevertheless a truth (although it does not have to be the only or the whole truth). My circumstance and desires Lord over me so as soon as I wake up I find myself in a state of wanting, and not praising.

At times like this I think it only right to confess all these things (I admit, a difficult task) before I praise. I guess you have to gradually posture yourself into praise? I may be wrong here and welcome any correction.

There is much more to it than JUST praising. Praising is no simple thing. How can we expect to praise or have a desire to when we don’t work to know the object of that praise.

The sin in me presents itself as a huge roadblock in the pursuit of praise, but praise be to God for sending his son Jesus to overcome sin and death so that we don’t have to simply be paralysed by sin, but are free to praise him.

Sometimes people remark ‘give credit where credit is due’, and this 100% applies with praise. Often we praise what we believe to be good, and deserving of it. And Psalm 33 is giving the praise where the praise is due, because God is good, an objective truth.

We praise because Gods words are right and true in a world that is full of falsehood.

We praise because God is and loves righteousness and justice in the face of all injustice that we witness on a daily basis.

We praise because in spite of all that is going on at current your unfailing love can still be seen on this earth Lord.

Praise be to God.

Dejected

I write this in hopes that at least one female / male will be encouraged to keep pressing on.

I spoke with a friend the other day that sadly confessed that she is no longer a Christian due to a number of reasons ranging from past traumas and her present circumstance as a mature single black woman.

This friend has been through a great deal, and it is not difficult to see why she would have come to this conclusion. Her suffering is deep and complex, somewhat reminding me of a cocktail of different spirits that should never have been put together, and does nothing but to leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth.

Sadly I am left feeling ill-equipped and unable to offer much aid / relief; finding it increasingly difficult to respond with ‘I’ll pray for you’, as the truth is I ask myself, ‘what is that going to do?’, you need help right now and that doesn’t seem to be here.

She recognises that her heart has become hard and briefly explained the pain that she has felt (and still feels) as a mature single black woman that desires to be married and have a family. The waiting has not felt worthwhile, she looks backs on her life and wonders why she had not just been unequally yoked. Why so many wasted opportunities?

I sat there disillusioned, but continued to listen. I hadn’t felt this pain, but thought the following to myself:

I am glad that I am okay,

I actually have someone that may be interested in me, so I don’t think I’ll be single for much longer, I’m happy to have this as a hope

I can’t allow this to happen to me in the future

Part of me expects to be single forever so I may as well accept this now and live a fruitful and joyful life with this reality of mine

I can’t allow this to happen to me

I cannot allow a relationship to be this much of an idol

How can I stop a relationship from being an idol

Is there really a hope for awkward introverted me

A relationship shouldn’t be my hope

I must not become consumed with my own self

I’m consumed with myself, and am a failure

I am attractive, young and believe to be somewhat of a catch, someone just needs to invest a little time in me

I am so vain, this is not about me

What hope do I have as a socially awkward human who barely knows anything about this world and struggles to articulate my thoughts and feelings, when she, as an intelligent, beautiful, well-travelled woman that is great at making conversation cannot attract a godly man (she is interested in)

Now I am going to explain why I have written all of this.

I allowed myself to be carried away by my feelings and the belief that I was okay, immune to the sadness and grief felt by my friend. I was okay because I had the (unrealistic) prospect of someone actually liking me back and this leading to a relationship. I had pulled the wool over my own eyes, and experienced how the heart is truly deceitful.

I was able to listen to her, but did not allow myself to become consumed by her depression because I had a hope that unfortunately was not the right kind. ‘I am above this’ was my internal response.

Because …. may like me, I can face this.

Truly I have made a relationship into an idol.

But God did a thing, as he does. It wasn’t pleasant, but he did a thing.

I had invited Benjamin (who I am currently interested in) over to my house for a film night with some other friends, and surprisingly he confirmed attendance (I say ‘surprisingly’ because he normally can’t make any of the events that I plan). But yesterday explained that he would no longer be able to attend.

As much as I hate to admit this, that hurt. For me this was, in a way, a confirmation that he was not interested. I had used a number of different scenarios to  fuel a flame, and feed the idol. Him coming was one of the things that I had used, and this knocked me a bit.

Rejected and dejected. Reading this now I think to myself, ‘you are actually a fool’. How could I have allowed it to get this far, that I am now here, feeling sad in the face of the reality of being forever alone.

This is what I put my joy, and invested emotionally in? REALLY?

The fact that I had let it become all about joy and emotions is only part of the problem. Hedonism.

God was once again using my weakness to remind me of the sin in my heart. He really does prune and refine.

It consumed me, and still does.

I woke up this morning to a myriad of thoughts. But mainly felt sad and hopeless. For a moment I allowed myself to feel this way as all these emotions have a time, and it’s not healthy to deny this innate response. I was reminded of my friend this morning as I lay in bed, and for a moment I could truly empathise with the sadness that comes from that feeling of being (physically) alone. A sad hopelessness that clouds anything  good and rids us of the ability to want to know, love and enjoy God.

I can now thank God for how he has used this to reveal the sin in me. And can only pray that he would enable us all to continually put these idols to death. The idols that will only render us weak and ineffective for doing Gods work if we allow them to consume us.

I know this is all easier said than done, but it’s not impossible.

The truth is that with Christ we are all going to be more than okay, we are more than the rejection, more than the present sufferings that we face, and more than past.

We will face darkness, but thank God that he is the light that has and will overcome.

For those who have experienced / are experiencing some form of trauma / depression or know someone that is I would encourage you to pray, and seek God first. Also that you seek wise council from a trusted member of your Church or a medical professional. Please speak out, and do not be of belief that you are a burden. Help is available.

 

 

 

 

 

Here we are

What was once a murky future is now the ‘lived’ in present, although  I use that term loosely as I often find myself wishing to be elsewhere. Not anywhere, just not here. My thoughts and desires are moving in a kaleidoscopic manner, and I am frustrated, not wanting to wholeheartedly commit to any one particular thing.

I don’t particularly view my life as busy, although it seems that I’m spending most of my waking hours either doing work, thinking about doing work, or hating work and the effect that it is having on my life.

My capacity to form and invest in relationships is dwindling by the day, and I’m not quite sure how much longer I can continue to go on living this way, because this certainly isn’t a sustainable way to do life.

I’m not quite sure where to go from here,

My heart is hard and the burden is heavy, but surely a tired soul must rest, the burden alleviated and the heart transformed

 

 

Where to begin

It’s quite difficult trying to compose my thoughts after my brief leave of absence from this sphere.

Where exactly to start?

Well, I have to come realise that the reality of my desires aren’t so desirable. I laughed. My younger self would look on in amazement and joy at the thought of what was to come.

I am now employed, working full-time in a rather affluent part of town, and soon will be moving to a beautiful borough to live with two close girl friends, basically living the what many (myself included, until recently) would title as ‘the dream’.

I was naive, and still am, but I know now that my desires, once lived, will always fall short of what I imagined them to be, and it’s at this point that they become a reality.

Yes, the human mind can be a complex thing, but also very simplistic. Here I am able to fabricate an idealistic world with a great job, great social life, and living independently, free from the constraints of home. My Utopia, and I’m in control, but it’s only a utopia because I omit all that displeases me, and fill it with my wants. This is not real life.

I believe that God often allows us to have what we want in order to show us that they weren’t what we needed, nor ever wanted.

The truth is that life still continues to be fraught with problems, new and old. One would assume that I’d be elated at the prospect of moving out, but instead I’m actually sad, and having second thoughts (due to a number of reasons which I may go into in later posts). Typical. And living out of home will put a lot of pressure on my finances, and i’m now considering leaving my job sooner than I’d plan.

To be honest, part of me doesn’t even enjoy working in such an affluent area, it’s far from the reality of where I grew up, and makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable, especially in light of all that’s going on in the world, and the scale deprivation experienced by many.

As easy as it is to sit here and ‘woe is me’ all evening, I must remember the importance of thankfulness. There is a reason why we are where we are, and why we will be where we will be. We must look at our lot as God would. If anything, my situation has shown me my deep need for God now, and always.

I’m really not in control, and won’t ever be, and I know that’s for the best, or we’d all be in a lot of trouble.

To keep on

Unemployed, unfulfilled, and underwhelmed.

I have come to face what seems like a towering brick wall.

I remembering fearing that this moment would come, I would finish my degree and be met with the harsh reality of life as an unemployed graduate.

At a time when I should be relaxed, and enjoying life without much responsibility, I find myself tense, exhausted and frustrated. Maybe more so now than I was during my degree.

Unfortunately my mind now has time to ponder on useless and trivial matters.

I am left feeling despondent in the face of what seems to be a murky future.

The other day I was walking besides the Thames, and my mind felt as if it was going to implode. Release, my thoughts and emotions wanted release, but I could not.

Why is it so difficult to deposit of this mental angst, my desire is to let it all go, but it is so difficult.

Life continues to be fraught with old habits, habits that truly do die hard, so much so that it often forces me to question if they truly die at all.

Despite all of this, I am reminded of the goodness of God. I have witnessed it, in small yet profound ways. I have been shown love, and encouraged to keep going.

The truth is as descendants of Adam and Eve, (post fall) we were never promised an easy life, so should I be surprised when trials come? No.

But as a child of God, we are loved by a gracious and merciful God who sees and shares in our suffering. Yes I will continue to suffer, but God is the strength that will make me to endure. Let’s remember that.